and quiet.
When everyone has gone and
it's just me...
alone. Here.
I struggle. To understand where God has placed me at this point in my life. How I ended up here. I would say confusion is the best word to describe the state I'm in at the moment. It's not too comfortable. I kind of hate it most days. But I have no idea how to fix it. How to find clarity.
I'm not sure of the "next step". I don't have a game plan, which kind of scares me. I often feel unsettled. And even a little bit lonely. I'm searching, but I'm not really sure what for. I'm trying to accomplish something, anything. And most of all, I'm just plain exhausted.
There are a few statements I sincerely dislike at the moment. You will notice their similarities.
"Time will heal."
"Only time will tell."
"It just takes time."
Time. Is for patient people. And those who don't worry about things. Or plan ahead. It's for people who deal well with change. And know themselves. Time is for those who haven't been hurt and are not sure how to survive the pain. Needless to say, I'm struggling. I've always been a person who's felt like they have it all together. And it's been awhile since I've felt that way.
Good news is, I'm still functioning. Still accomplishing things. Still me. Still here.
Time has had an effect on me. I think I'm changing. Or learning. Or growing. Or maturing. Or letting go. Or something like that. Or a combination of those. I have personally discovered that in the midst of confusion and not having it all together, you won't get lost. Or completely lose yourself. Sure, it may feel that way at times. But. You. Are. Not. Lost.
Rather, I think I'm just finally discovering the real me. The one I wouldn't have gotten to know had a few painful/unplanned/messy experiences not happened along the way. I'm not lost. Just in a new, sometimes painful, unplanned, messy place. Just here.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord.
"They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
~Jeremiah 29:11 [NLT]
